When It Feels Like I Don't Measure Up

I have been bombarded by streams of feeling unworthy since this season. It has been a major learning and growth curve; a journey to self-awareness.

Overcoming the monsters in my dreams seem far-fetched. Doubting if I can be one of the few and perhaps be signed up for greatness.

Will I make it? Do I have what it takes? Am I made for this? Is this what I love to do and my passion  in the first place? 

More and more questions and doubts set in. At times I feel I am winning but then again I find myself doing the same thing. And very soon I find myself stagnant. I allowed my situation to hold me captive which eventually becomes my jail cell.

Have you ever been into a fog, stress place? Wherein you relentlessly questioned and judged your slow progress in life? Where playing the blame game was never an option. After all, you were the culprit for that state of misery you had fallen into.

One illustration of this is my faith journey. As you can probably tell, I grew up attending church. Your typical Christian girl since a little girl who attends Sunday School, sings hymns, and participates in presentations. Our church is small thus, it calls for more involvement. One, in particular, is the music ministry.

I can't play at all...

I am a novice at playing an instrument. My musical IQ is low. I have a timing problem as I can't identify the right key when singing. On the other hand, my singing voice is definitely more of an amateur level, I mean for quality wise I'd go lower.

I'm a shy quiet person. I prefer to be behind the scenes. I take my time thinking and making decisions. I'm not spontaneous. Hence, I stammer, I dislike the spotlight and I'm bad at impromptu speaking. I deal with fears and insecurities in my life. Simply put, I fall short to be a likable person.

I remember singing a special solo number when I was very young. I joined in yearly children's presentations. I experienced as a back-up singer for praise and worship, being upstage flipping the manila paper for lyrics (good old times). Until such time it is solely the leader who will stand in front which is also the current setup.

Seldom had I had the chance to lead I must say, as there have been others who could lead the praise and worship. And for those seldom occasions, I was always terrified (hands shaking, knees knocking, and gut acting up).

For years I have always come up with excuses ready before God and myself until I run out of excuses. 

From seldom it becomes oftentimes. It is quite a stretch for me but deep down inside me, this force knows that everything will be okay and I know I can.

The need to be in control is part of my arrangement. Knowing ahead of time my schedule to lead is important. Preparation time is very crucial to me. You can't just toss me right in front with limited time and expect me to deliver.

With praise and worship practice, it's normal to be asked by the team about my key to the songs that would suit my voice. While they are playing the songs that I have chosen, I had to listen to the music. I for one that is so unnatural, cannot even recognize provided that I was listening intently. I got ashamed.

Mistakes were made during worship because of my incapability. The gravity of the responsibility as a worship leader also adds up. 

There is not a doubt that there is power during praise and worship. That is why I know for certain how important the role is. One mistake might interrupt the flow and mood of the congregation. You just want to fill the atmosphere with all praises and draw the people into worshiping God.

Also, on the other hand, others can lead the praise and worship effortlessly. Voice singing sound so good, they really have musical talent. I can see that the congregation is so alive and even I also was moved. Something about the effectiveness that glorified God above all.

This put more pressure on me. I began to question myself. My self-esteem began to suffer. I felt inferior.

Ephesians 3:20-21 The Message (MSG)

20-21 God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. 

Certainly, God is a God of process. He allows me to grow and to learn at my own pace. He knows how to deal with what and who I really am. He lovingly understands my frailties and connects deep inside of me.

God has been patient with me for sure. I like how He effectively speaks right in my heart and knit me in calm still water. At the same time, there are moments that He intentionally position me of being overpowered so that I can discover more of Him.

A quiet heart is content with what God gives. It is enough. All is grace. - Elisabeth Elliot

How am I to operate when I'm at a deficit?

I have to forgive myself for not having enough and shake loose from anything and everybody and decide to be myself. I have to come to terms and be at a point wherein I'm okay with that because I know this positions me to a place where I can shine bright for Christ. And yes I can see progress on myself but it is never about me.

The most important thing is I have a God who is more than enough. God's love for me will never change.

~ Self-Worth in Christ ~

With the current situation right now, churches are going online to continue with their Sunday worship service. I am sharing this with you as one of the songs that I shared during our Sunday online worship service.

With all of this, I hope that there will be a spark that will light inside of you that will somehow give hope and encouragement. 

Such as life that pushes us to learn. I'm sure you do have stories in other areas in your life that can relate to this. We are all a wounded healer that has gone through and gain a new sense of empathy in different areas of our life. 

None of us are alone. We don't have to have everything in life. None of us is perfect. It is good to soak into the only opinion that really matters.

God is saying to us to only be still and know that He is God. 

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  1. proud of you Jen! I remembered my first time leading worship too, though not during church service but in care group. Someone commented I was off key. lol. Thankfully, my care group leader is an encourager. I will never forget what she told me back then. If you give your little to the Lord, like the five loaves and two fishes, He will multiply it. Grace! Grace!

    1. Thanks Gladz!^^ yes, that's the good thing about Christian community, they don't judge instead they'll help you.